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Trying to Level Out-How am I going to do this?

05/29/2015

Over the many years of ups and downs and even I have no clue where I am’s I have a difficult time seeing anything that is outside of my brain. I have all these wonderful resources available to me, yet in my deepest time of need I don’t trust them. In my recent manic phase I started digging stuff out of drawers and purging again. I came across a notebook that I apparently tried to gather together sayings, techniques, and anything else that might help. I opened it and started reading, with the thought of “why am I even bothering? it never works anyways”

Here is what I found:

a quote from Lori Deschene called Just Breathe on the cover of the binder. Obviously at some point this must have resonated with me.

To just breathe. To concentrate solely on the experience of nourishing our bodies with air and in doing so foster a deep sense of internal safety.

This reminds us that no matter how catastrophic things may seem, we’re alive. We’re okay. We’ll get through it. We are still here, still strong, still breathing.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, just breathe. Forget for a minute about everything that needs to be done, and take it all one slow step and deep breath at time.

If you’re feeling worried, just breathe. Forget for a minute about everything that might go wrong and create what can go right, one slow step and deep breath at a time.

If you’re feeling scared, just breathe. Forget for a minute about everything that might hurt you and take care of yourself, one slow step and deep breath at a time.

Oftentimes the world inside our heads is far more chaotic than the world outside it. We have immense power to calm it by remembering to just breathe.

I open the notebook to find worn and ragged 3×5 cards attached to scrapbook pages. Nothing fancy, I think I was just looking for a way to get them on paper. Like so many other things in my life I don’t remember making this. My hope is that at some point having it all together gave me hope that I could get through this and come out on top.

Here are some of the things I saved. I am separating each card with the lines

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~Self-Soothe Positively

1-Tighten then Loosen

2- Distract with Sight, son, smell, taste and touch.

3- Remember Grandma

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Good Morning, This is God,

I will be handling all your problems today. I do not need your help. So, relax and have a great day!

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I HAVE CAN CHOOSE (BECAUSE CATHY SAYS NO HAVE TOO’S) TO FIND BALANCE IN MY LIFE OR IT WILL DRIVE ME BACK TO THE BEGINNING OF ALL THIS.

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Write down what is going on through my head when everything starts spinning around crazy and won’t let my brain stop. Some of my examples to replace the craziness were church, walk, schedule, stop negative thought, visualize what you want, Keep track of disassociating. It is easy to write these down with Cathy’s help, but not easy to even consider doing in the middle of the storm. Sometimes what is written on the cards doesn’t make sense to me now, out and away from what was going on when it was written.

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-connect emotionally and physically

-cry

-distract

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I want to be worthy and this is how I am working on it.

I have made bad choices but I can make other choices.

I am learning to trust myself. I will continue and can continue practice trusting me.

There is hope and with practice I will find it.

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Self-Soothe

1 Change negative self talk to positive- use mood log after calming down.

2 Visualize what I want to have happen.

3 Crawling- crossing mid-line is the best way to stop anxiety

4 tap foot or hand to try and match the rhythm of my heartbeat with the rhythm of m hand/foot

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Are you aware that the more the enemy finest you, the greater the indication that blessings are on the way? The enemy fights those who know who they are and know WHOSE they are.

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Surf

Write

Sayings, self-soothe

What do I need?

It will pass.

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Anxiety -what to do

1-create-scrapbook, sew, computer, just create something

2- Physical-get up and go for a walk or clean house.

3-Turn around and see what I am afraid of-face my fears

Measured action calms mania

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I am doing the best I can right now. It’s going to be ok. I can learn from my mistakes.

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How does the story fit this?

1 inability to trust myself

2 I sense shame and zero shame on others

3 I expect perfection from myself and zero perfection from others

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“All truth that is old is new for the person who discovers it the first time within himself(herself).

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I can choose balance, it will bring peace.

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“We don’t know what we know until we write it down…”

Sooo…. Write, write, write!

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How to surf

1 say a prayer and ask for help

2 look at the feeling, what do I need right now?

3 look at feeling, acknowledge it, and say “it will pass”. I’ll be ok.

4 look at feeling, dissect it, analyze it.

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There is hope, I will find it.

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Look at a man the way he is and he only becomes worse, but look at him as he were what he could be and then he becomes what he should be -Goethe

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“Someday, I pray, when my life is sung, I’ll be in tune with the Holy One. And when he asks how my life has been, I hope I proved that I could blend in. And when the pain of remembering all missions rushes in, And I turn away from him, He’ll tell me that he paid the debt and all my sins he did forget. When he forgives, all is forgotten-It’s nice when some things are forgotten” –Michael Mclean

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When I was young, I was sexually abused in a ritualized situation that included drugs and brainwashing, most likely by someone who at some time had some connections or at least knowledge about the church. Since that time there have been a lot of things in my life that I have done, that most likely would not have occurred had the abuse not occurred. I understand that I still had free agency, but it was clouded by the brainwashing, the abuse and that fact that I have BiPolar disease.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1 disclose

2 trust

3 revelation

4 loss of shame

5 healing

6 self acutalization

3 and 4 can be reversed

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Notice the triggers for Shame-what, where, when, how?

Take care of the little girl inside

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from a friend

How can you fail? and if you do…which I don’t see///what happens? Now ask the same questions with the word succeeded in place of fail. Let me know -J

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The congregation sang “Lord I would Follow Thee”, One line hit me, It said what I want to learn–“Savior, may I learn to love thee?

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Wish things would stop hitting me in the head so fast!!!!!! I don’t have time to process.

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A friend told me that if I was sitting on the fence to just jump in with both feet and see what happens, guess I don’t have the courage to let go. Afraid of setting myself up to fail.

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I don’t know where to begin or where to end.

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As it is, it’s only later, after I’ve had some distance from what I’m going through that I can find it in myself to be grateful. I like the imagery of God carrying us through a storm.

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I keep waiting for that “I’m proud of myself”…look to come over my face when I look in the mirror…

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Take on this mantra for me… “I know with help from he who strengthens us” and repeat it like 1 million times a day.

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“and all these things shall give thee experience and be for they good. The Lord has gone below them all, art thou greater than he?”

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I am sure that God wants me to learn a few million things on this one and I know I will find the strength to tell him “Thank you, God”…because I know you understand why I need to learn this one, thank you for this storm! And you carried me all the way in my heart thru every wave… I am sure in the next life, this will alb so simple to understand. But right now…It’s back to step by step I’ll make it///as I stand up once more for whatever is coming my way next.

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Found the perfect quote for how I feel lately–“I try to take things one day at a time, but lately every days have been attacking me at once!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Consciously think about how to get from limbic to frontal love-physical action

Shame vs. Guilt

Bad vs. Good

“You should be ashamed of yourself!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Faith, whatever you need it to stand for it stands for, It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t have to make sense, that’s why they call it faith.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lose the shame, find the acceptance

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Part of you is angry and wants to yell bad words

part of you is sad and wants to cry

part of you is scared and wants to run away

part of you knows you have made a mistake and it is going to be ok

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Religion is man’s way to God, Jesus is God’s way to reach men

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I will stop here, the rest is interesting, but helpful in a different way and I will save it for another post.

It is interesting to me to see the same theme repeated multiple times during multiple sessions. Definitely lessons I needed to work on then, and definitely still need to work on them.

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