Skip to content

Productive Mania vs. Destructive Mania

04/24/2015

My manic extreme of my Bipolar can be very destructive. It can be very productive. It is a place I like to be. It is a place I hate to be.

When I am manic I
• I can accomplish so much done
• I have so many more hours in my day
• I have little sense of right and wrong
• I lose touch with any spiritual feelings
• I love myself, I hate myself
• I have a tendency to rapid cycle when I get manic, a whirlwind of activity then a crash of depression
• I self-medicate or abuse prescription drugs
• I have mixed feelings about staying manic. The logical part of my brain says I will have to deal with the fallout at some point. The illogical side says who cares.
• I do things I would never do when I am not manic
• I am hypersexual
• I cope in inappropriate ways

In the last two months the majority of the time I have been in self-destruct mode. I have done things that I am not proud of. I can fully see that now, but I also don’t want to give up what some of the things that I am doing. I have a hard time understanding why my brain doesn’t want to “be normal”. I like the high I get when I do some of the things.

It is hard to explain how I can feel the same feelings when I am being destructive or productive. I told my therapist I do a lot of it because I just want to feel something. She disagrees and says what I am really doing is trying not to feel. I have a hard time being able to name my feelings. I have spent so many years numb, that if you ask me to name a happy memory, or a scary one, or frustrating one I am at a loss at coming up with something. I look back and say well, I guess when I was in the car accident I must have been scared. Or, when I had my kids I must have been happy, but I cannot attach a “feeling” to it.

I have blogged before about my destructive mania, but I would like to address my productive mania. In and around the destruction I have been causing in my life I took my garage from having only pathways to being able to put my car in there. (it is the second time in 14 years it has fit in) I was able to spend hours sorting, organizing, moving shelving around until I looked around and there was a huge open space. My house is cleaner than it has been in months. I have planted flowers, trimmed trees, picked citrus, and many more things I cannot even remember right now. These things are what make me want to stay manic or at least in a hypermanic state.

I know in the long run I must come down from my high, but right now I am trying to stay where I am, which just doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Let me know what you think of my post, good, bad and otherwise. I am always interested to hear what you have to say.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

The Persistent Platypus

Life's journey may not always be easy, but being true to your unique self and finding laughter in the small things makes the adventure unforgettable!

Straight Talk on Managing Bipolar Disorder

A website for bestselling author and bipolar expert, Julie A. Fast

Who needs normal?!

Ramblings from a crazy, cluttered mind...

A Depressed Mormon Mommy

Being LDS, BiPolar and Living Life

Depressed (but not unhappy) Mormon Mommy

Being LDS, BiPolar and Living Life

PPD Turned Bipolar Mom

Trying to stay happy on a rollercoaster of mental illness...

Through Another Lens

A WordPress.com site looking at Christian and non Christian news, culture etc, from an independent Christian viewpoint. Don't run after reading the word 'Christian'! Give it a chance, then run if you want ;-)

Bipolar Jane

STIGMA: Randomly sinking, treading or swimming...

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

%d bloggers like this: