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Productive Mania vs. Destructive Mania


The manic extreme of my Bipolar can be very destructive. It can be very productive. It is a place I like to be. It is a place I hate to be.

When I am manic I
• I can accomplish so much done
• I have so many more hours in my day
• I have little sense of right and wrong
• I lose touch with any spiritual feelings
• I love myself, I hate myself
• I have a tendency to rapid cycle when I get manic, a whirlwind of activity then a crash of depression
• I self-medicate or abuse prescription drugs
• I have mixed feelings about staying manic. The logical part of my brain says I will have to deal with the fallout at some point. The illogical side says who cares.
• I do things I would never do when I am not manic
• I am hypersexual
• I cope in inappropriate ways

In the last two months the majority of the time I have been in self-destruct mode. I have done things that I am not proud of. I can fully see that now, but I also don’t want to give up some of the things that I am doing. I have a hard time understanding why my brain doesn’t want to “be normal”. I like the high I get when I do some of the things.

It is hard to explain how I can feel the same feelings when I am being destructive or productive. I told my therapist I do a lot of it because I just want to feel something. She disagrees and says what I am really doing is trying not to feel. I have a hard time being able to name my feelings. I have spent so many years numb, that if you ask me to name a happy memory, or a scary one, or frustrating one I am at a loss at coming up with something. I look back and say well, I guess when I was in the car accident I must have been scared. Or, when I had my kids I must have been happy, but I cannot attach a “feeling” to it.

I have blogged before about my destructive mania, but I would like to address my productive mania. In and around the destruction I have been causing in my life I took my garage from having only pathways to being able to put my car in there. (it is the second time in 14 years it has fit in) I was able to spend hours sorting, organizing, moving shelving around until I looked around and there was a huge open space. My house is cleaner than it has been in months. I have planted flowers, trimmed trees, picked citrus, and many more things I cannot even remember right now. These things are what make me want to stay manic or at least in a hypermanic state.

I know in the long run I must come down from my high, but right now I am trying to stay where I am, which just doesn’t make sense to anyone else.

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