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Freaking Out!


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I just got a phone call, from some secretary or receptionist at the psychiatric clinic I go to. “We need to reschedule your appointment that was on Thursday because Dr. X is no longer at our clinic. We will get you in with a nurse practitioner….”

I didn’t hear the rest, I went into major panic mode, major anxiety. I am sitting here with my insides all torn up. I finally got it together enough to ask where she was going…

“well she was only seeing patients here on her flex days and now she is going full-time at her home clinic”

“umm, where is that?”

I don’t want to switch doctors again. I like her, she gets me. She listens to me and allows me to be a part of the choices on meds etc.

“At x (which is a clinic on the other side of a major metropolitan area) you will have to talk with your case worker and file a request to transfer clinics.”

“I have a case worker???”

“yes, let me find out who it is and I will transfer you.” I get transferred to the wrong case worker, which I find out after I try to explain what I want. She asks “are you on the “x” team??”

“Team? I didn’t know anything about a team. What are you talking about?”

“Let me find out who your case worker is. It is x. I will transfer you.”

The phone rings and an answering machine picks up with a generic message. I stumble to leave a message, “I hope this is x, I don’t want to have a new doctor, they told me I had to talk to you to fill out some kind of paperwork. My name is x, phone number xxx-xxxx” I hang up only to realize that in the process of shutting down after the first part of the initial message I didn’t even get the who and when I was supposed to go see. I will have to go, I will need refills on my current meds. I hope this guy calls me back soon, I really don’t want to have to call and say someone called me and said something about seeing someone else and I shut down and didn’t even hear the who and when.

An hour has passed, the anxiety is building. I break down and call my therapist and say that I am panicking, really freaking out. Can I see her today instead of tomorrow? I pray she gets the voicemail. I told her it wasn’t about all the crap that I was already freaking out about and not handling appropriately, this was something new, like I really needed to add something else to my pile of crap. Please call me back, even talk to me on the phone might calm me down enough to get to tomorrow.

I had it all worked out in my head. I would see the therapist on Wednesday. We would try to come up with some kind of plan. She has been trying to get me to go see the doc early and get on some kind of temporary med to help me through this. I have been resisting, knowing I had the appointment on Thursday, and knowing that I have been here before with meds, trying so many to find something that might help. I stopped everything except the Lamictal, Lorazepam (Ativan), and Ambien. I finally stopped gaining weight day by day. I have lost nearly 30 lbs. and am so scared that going back on something else will trigger that weight gaining side effect.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I want to run to the store and buy alcohol, to have a drink or two or three and numb away the anxiety. I know it will just make it worse when it wears off, it is only a temporary fix, but I will take temporary over nothing right now.

One Comment leave one →
  1. 08/22/2013 4:00 pm

    god – i so understand what you are going through – dont therapists understand that they are not allowed to have lives of their own!!!!! they are only on this planet to keep me feeling safe and stop me from freaking out !!!
    i have been on lorazepam for 2 and a half years now – no one told me it was addictive!!!!
    mind you i probably would have taken a heroin/cocaine/Lsd cocktail if it would have made me feel better on the day.
    Thankfully after many years of excellent therapy I have been able to lay my demons to rest and manage my anxiety to the point where I enjoy life again
    i am left with this bloody addiction.
    i have tried on my own to taper off etc over the years and failed owing to the side effects and have had to resort to paying to go to a private clinic (thanks to my wonderful partner) because my health problems reached crisis point. mind you so is my relationship – but one thing at a time hey!!!???!
    I have posted on my blog about all this – have a look if you feel like it
    I wish you well – i really do!
    i’m off to the clinic on monday – rather scared actually – i dont think its going to be a pleasant experience at all.
    take care

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