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Do You Ever Have One of Those Weeks…

05/27/2011

that never seem to end? That have you in tears at the drop of a hat, often for no obvious reason?

Some of the tears were identifiable, some were just baffling, all were frustrating, all made me feel something that has been missing from my life for a long time. I actually felt something that I didn’t have to “create” or “manufacture”.

Sometimes I get so desperate to feel, to feel anything that I do things that are unhealthy,  that are previous addictions that rear their ugly heads when my defenses are down. The things I learned to use to survive in earlier years that come so naturally, that it requires great strength and willpower to not fall into that same pattern of self-soothing. When I hit the wall, everything becomes so black and white, I see no way out. I have often told my therapist and others that I have learned to know when I am headed toward a bad place, about 7 or so years ago attended a sunday school lesson where a picture of Lehi’s vision was handed out, the part of the picture that I related to were the people who were walking along the edge of the chasm, the ones that were falling down. (now this is my memory, I haven’t bothered to look up the picture again because it triggered so much then that I am scared of what it might trigger if I do) I feel like I am walking right along the edge of a canyon that goes straight down, like being on a tightrope, only one side is stable and the other has no safety net. I struggle to keep my balance and for a while I am able to lean back and forth without falling over the edge. More times than not I end up falling, sometimes I am able to find a ledge or hand hold and slowly climb my way out, other times I find that ledge, but as I try to climb upward I fall and hit the bottom, and other times it is a straight trip to the bottom. My therapist said, it is ok when you hit bottom, because every time you have, you still look up and can see that there is light and that there is a way out. I was finally able to explain to her that when I get there, I don’t see a way out, there is no light, it is as if when I hit that bottom, a lid is placed over me and I am in total darkness. I give up, and when I give up I practice my bad things and it takes me much longer to find a way out. I feel hopeless. I so desperately want to feel that I create feelings, even if they are bad feelings, at least I feel something.

I had an appointment yesterday, I went in crying, I left crying, she kept telling me what a breakthrough this was and I can’t understand or process how that can be progress. She tried to get me to see that i didn’t create the feeling, that it was just there, who cares why for right now, focus on the fact that you reached out, that I called her, and even though I couldn’t get in earlier in the week to see her, I made it til my appointment, I was there. I am here, I exist, I need to allow myself to exist in this world without feeling guilt or shame or any other negative. “Be still, and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10 she reminds me, stop trying to be God and control everything, stop and let him be in control… easier said than done

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. 05/30/2011 1:35 pm

    Maybe you should be seeing your psychiatrist instead of your therapist. It sounds like your meds are doing the job! If you are in that dark of a place and only hanging on from appt to appt with your therapist, you need a change. You don’t have to live like that. Sometimes something that did work stops working. Our body chemistry changes. But for whatever reason, go to your p-doc.

    I don’t know if you can manufacture feelings. What do you mean? I’ve always either been numb or feeling. Never anything else. Feeling again after being numb for so long is scary, but it is nice to be among the humans again.

    Please don’t hurt yourself in an attempt to feel. Be completely honest with your therapist. Tell her what you are doing. And see your p-doc. Don’t stop trying. Don’t give up. There are a lot of us that care. Feel free to email me any time.

    Heather
    hrose2931 (at) gmail(dot) com

  2. 05/30/2011 4:44 pm

    I just changed meds a couple of weeks ago, added a second controversial/off-label mood stabilizer to my Lamictal and about two months ago went off an anti-depressant that I absolutely hated. I have s shitty situation for psychiatrist right now, I go to a state clinic and for the last year I have only seen the same dr. several times in a row before there is a new one with a new philosophy. Before that the doc that was there was wonderful, and before that I had a private doctor for about 11 years before the hospital system decided to disband its mental health clinics. My primary care doc who I have seen for 21 years has stepped in right now to bridge the care until things can get situated.

    As far as creating feelings when I am numb–it may be by drinking, drugging, sexually acting out, other things that in the long run are not beneficial and are not really what I am trying to achieve.

    Thanks for stopping by. I won’t stop trying, I have gotten this far, I will keep trudging along even when sometimes it is backwards or sideways in between the forward steps.

  3. 05/31/2011 4:15 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’re in such a rotten place right now. You’re right– you know it’s bad when instead of numbness you just cry and cry and cry. Is there anything I can do to help you? Feel free to email me as well. I, too, hope you won’t give up. Every day is a battle, but I know you can win!

Let me know what you think of my post, good, bad and otherwise. I am always interested to hear what you have to say.

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